We often don't allow ourselves to fully see another human.
Celibacy is Unrealistic
Gay men are taught that everything must be handled sexually.
Celibacy is a wonderful way for gay men to handle emotional needs without sexual activity.
We are not encouraged to seek counsel to deal with our problems in ways that require silence, contemplation or self-reflection. We are supported in using one another and not figuring out productive ways to change our lives.
When I was a sexual twenty-something, I encountered many guys who were either unsure about their HIV status or lied about it.
Most men are not vicious enough to outright lie about their status and their motives for wanting to have sex.
When I realized that I had been lied to and outright manipulated, it became a personal obsession to ensure that my health remained great. At 24 I decided to forgo sex for at least one year or until a great guy came along.
Giving up “giving it up” made me productive.
I once read: men become successful in their 40’s because no time is wasted trying to get laid and being on the prowl.
During my self-imposed celibacy, I finally began my career as a writer.
I was able to redirect my life energy to writing, thinking and figuring out how to effectively self-actualize.
It is time we all looked at and committed to doing this whole sex thing in a very different way.
Limiting Sex/Attraction to One Type Will Make Me Happy
One of the major things that keep us from finding and keeping true love is our addiction to and fascination with “types”.
Whether you’re black and only date white or white and only date and sleep black, you are limiting who you will love.
I have met wonderful men of all races.
I have also met a few hardcore assholes who would still be assholes no matter their race.
As a black gay man, I thought it was my duty to love a black man.
I was unaware of “types” and that I could be boxed into a flavor of the month.
Spending the Summer in Boston changed my perspective.
Although it was the first time I had ventured outside my race for dating, companionship and sex, I found myself questioning what the big deal was and why I had waited so long.
When the Summer ended, my beautiful, kind, thoughtful and wealthy suitor begged me to stay and continue or relationship in a more adult and complete manner.
Many men have obsessively tried to get into my pants.
Few have tried with a Herculean effort to get into my mind.
If what we are seeking is true love, it might be time to can the bullshit, look at what and why we find certain things attractive and broaden our lustful eyes.
Andrew Morrison-Gurza is a brilliant writer who writes extensively and insightfully about dating while disabled. In his great post: he addresses dating and sex while being wheelchair-bound and self managing a chronic illness.
We each point out the need to date, screw and build relationships beyond what is comfortable and familiar.
When we fall in love or level-headedly decide to devote ourselves to loving another well, it is not with a set of genitalia or skin color.
We must widen what we like and who we can love.
Porn Star Sex is Available to Everyone
While most of us have seen porn, it is rarely viewed with a critical eye and the understanding that it is a form of entertainment.
Repeated viewing makes you believe that every cock is huge, there is never a need to negotiate sexual interaction and most importantly this is the only thing that matters to men.
No one will suggest that we refrain from viewing it until we are not driven by images created by people who don’t love or respect us.
My initial viewing of gay male porn at nineteen was brought to me by my first gay male relationship.
My terrorist enjoyed encouraging me to watch porn and then blatantly and cruelly denying me sex.
Entwined with my initial relationship, porn taught me that sex was mechanical, always available and didn’t require much conversation.
Without true, non-sexual conversations there is not much chance of finding and keeping true love.
True love is not about the type or frequency of sex.
True love is also not about mechanics, predictability or fantasy.
It forces us to be uncomfortable and often requires that we straddle the unfamiliar with the possibility that everything could change at any moment.
When things change, we have to deal in the moment and not go into familiar roles and behavior.
Love demands that we think.
In porn, no one is thinking they are doing.
In porn everyone is a fuck beast and is a master at doing the deed.
True love requires some errors.
A while ago, there was much discussion about bareback porn.
Committing to truth and an understanding and proper view of fantasy–the substance abuse addictions in our communities is staggering–would eliminate the need for debate.
People would understand that having unprotected sex is dangerous and can have lifelong affects.
We are led to believe that we can have or recreate what our personal fave porn performers get paid to do.
We think this is possible without a crew, lights, directors, sexually-enhancing drugs and twelve hour shoots.
Great Sex is Risky Sex
Sex in public bathrooms and abandoned houses with strangers.
We have all been schooled in the ridiculousness that for sex to be “hot”, good or worthwhile , it needs to include some life-altering risk.
For too many of us, liberation means having the right to not giving a fuck and doing whatever with whomever we choose.
This is not grown up liberation.
It is a stupid, petulant response to being told that we are not enough.
It is our collective response to a large group of folks that hate us.
Risky, kick-up-your-heels, I don’t give a shit sex often lulls us into thinking that we are bad asses and all the bullying and familial shunning was wrong.
What could be more liberating, we are seduced into believing, than screwing in the open where the “straights” might have to witness us having a good time?
Risky sex is enthralling because of what it can and can’t offer.
While it offers a chance to “perform” for people who are disgusted and obsessed with our sexual expression, it does not satisfy on the deepest level.
It also does not provide an opportunity to fully see another human.
When we are tricking in a public place, the possibility of fresh dick and a belief that all fantasies may be fulfilled is overwhelming.
We crave closeness and settle for a warm body who will offer orgasms without much personal or psychological work.
A constant search for risk leaves us unprepared for true love and the kind of joy that is based in cultivating relationships that lead to real risk–emotional connection.
While dallying in the world of constantly available and predictable “risky sex,” I longed for a real connection with another gay man.
When a practice is no longer working and is actually causing problems, does it make sense to hold onto it and hope one more body, cute smile or low self-esteem liaison will improve our outlook and offer us a way to enjoy another sans exploitation?
When you are doing the deed with someone you don’t know and without exploration of anything other than the physical you are using another and being used as well.
Can we change or challenge this notion?
What Sex Can and Can’t Do
Most gay men are taught that the only thing that matters is what is between our legs and what we do and don’t do with it.
Gay subculture is consumed with sexual activity and our personal attractiveness.
As a young queen, most of my interactions with other gay men was sex based.
Could I get you to fuck me? Would you be blown away by my sexual prowess?
Would I be so phenomenal that you’d leave your current relationship and stalk me for a deeper commitment?
None of the gay men I knew attempted to dissuade this ridiculous and pointless use of my time.
When I meet gay men who are young and full of promise and possibility and obviously being hormone lead, I often draw attention to what their gifts are beyond the bedroom.
Many of them, like my younger self, are not clear about the contributions they can make with their clothes on.
While we are perfecting sexual techniques and gathering sexual body counts we are also quickly aging.
Being a walking mattress at twenty-five or thirty is cute.
Being one at fifty is a different story.
At 23, I assumed that a grand roll in the hay equaled an opportunity to create a wonderful, long lasting “true love” type of relationship.
When a roll took the place of some serious, hard down thinking and examining beyond the sheet action, things began to shift and change drastically.
My one year of celibacy convinced me some twenty-three years ago to dig deeper and demand more of myself.
In one year, I discovered what sex could do–make you feel physically good; and what it couldn’t do–cure loneliness, depression and cripplingly low self-esteem.
As an older person in the community, I still maintain that we are as confused about sex as ever.
Gay brothers, friends and ex-lovers please wake up.
Please demand more from yourself and those that you say you care about.
We can and must do better.
Sex is powerful and we are more powerful.
We must examine all the lies fed to us by the heterosexual community and the ones that we have decided to create in our own communities.