Breathe in breath out, close your eyes, breath in and out again and clear your head.
Put on the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill and let your mind wander.
Text your best friend something ridiculously dramatic like, “I think I'm going to die alone.” Joke about replacing your heart with a block of ice. Look up cabins in the middle of nowhere and research how to get licensed as a dog sanctuary.
Think about the last time your heart flipped when someone touched your knee. Think about how it felt to look at another person and see forever reflected back in their eyes. Think about the longing. The aching. The dizziness. Think about the electricity before that first kiss. Think about how high it made you. How drunk off nothingness. Think about their mouth and involuntarily shiver.
Text your best friend again. “Fuck this shit.”
Google inspirational quotes. Roll your eyes at all of them.
Keep listening to Lauryn Hill. She was your shit back in the day. Watch all of the lyrics come back to you. Wonder if this means you never forget anything. Wonder if this means you hang on even when you’re not meaning to.
Mindlessly swipe on dating apps. No. No. No.
Text someone you used to love.
Study your reflection in the mirror. Feel bitter. Feel bitter that this person looking back is so closed off. This person doesn’t even want to fall in love anymore.
Splash water on your face. Yes, you’re every character in every movie ever. Everything you do has been done before. This feeling, this questioning. It’s not original.
You are not the first person to be lonely. You are not the first person to be convinced love isn’t going to be on the menu again.
Somehow find comfort in it. Find comfort in the universality of it all. In the sameness. In the people who’ve cried the same tears you have. In the people who’ve stubbornly decided they’re done. In the people who weren’t done. In the love that shows back up unexpectedly. In the love that surprises. In the love that knocks when you stop fussing about when it’s coming.
Go ahead and turn Lauryn Hill all the way up.