When You Like Someone But There Is No Chemistry

One of the most difficult parts of dating is finding someone you click with.  We often look for fireworks or a spark when dating and when it doesn't occur it leads to disappointment or disaster.

I've often felt bad about turning down guys who were good guys but there was no whatsoever. You can't help it there's just something inside of you saying I know they are a good person but I don't think we should date.  

Often chemistry is instantaneous. A particular person may not act on it immediately, but they feel the attraction within. This is so common that people have come to believe that chemistry is either there or it isn’t, and that you know within seconds. My experience tells me that this isn’t always true. I have talked with many couples who had to nurture their chemistry a bit. In some cases I’ve been told, “He isn’t my usual type, and it took a couple of dates before I really felt comfortable with him.” These are couples who have been together five, six or seven years and enjoy strong chemistry now, but it didn’t present itself at the first date. As you know, a first date can be a high-pressure situation. People may be nervous or act in an awkward manner. This can significantly alter the energy that flows between them. Sometimes one of you has travelled a significant distance in order to meet. This can also add to the sense of pressure and awkwardness.

Here’s my best advice for you given this situation:

1. Promise yourself never to go forward with a relationship unless you share strong chemistry.

The passion is going to have to carry you forward for years and years. This means that you need to feel it AND your partner needs to feel it before you start to build an ongoing relationship. If you’ve been on several dates with someone and you don’t feel that he or she shares a sense of physical chemistry with you, you need to address the issue.

2. Be prepared to give it some time – a short amount of time.

As I mentioned, for various reasons you may not feel passionately the first time you see each other. That’s okay. But if by the second or third date you don’t feel a strong inclination to kiss the other person, be near them or hold their hand, you’re probably never going to feel it. I’ve seen couples who didn’t have immediate chemistry build it over time, but you don’t want to go too far into a relationship on the hope that you can create chemistry where none currently exists.

3. Don’t mistake “attractiveness” for chemistry.

Chemistry is different from attractiveness. You’re able to objectively determine that you find a person attractive, yet you don’t feel a strong physical pull toward him. This is one of the reasons that photos are often misleading when it comes to chemistry. The perfect person isn’t perfect for you if you don’t feel a deep sense of chemistry with them. The fact that you share great conversation and they have a good job, looks nice and is funny will likely not overcome the negative effects of low passion on your relationship through the years.

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